Running On...

So, I want to be a runner.  At my age, kind of a scary thought.  But, it's a dream of mine.

I got a great book, I talked about it before, and it has a plan.  I'm a gal who needs a plan.

But what if the plan and you don't move at the same pace?  Do you quit or just keep moving?

Yup, I noticed that my pace doesn't quite match the pace of the book.

Plus, I've got this baggage.  I've got LOTS of baggage.

And nope, it's not Louis Vuitton.

Baggage is really difficult to deal with.

I hear voices in my head.  Voices from my past that play over and over in my head like a recording.  "You're never going to amount to anything"  "You can't do THAT"  "Can't you do anything right?"

I've also got to deal with WHY I have a weight problem to begin with.  That's a whole 'nother kind of baggage.    I wasn't always heavy.  In fact, I was really thin.  My mother was always heavy.  My sisters also heavy.  Once at a family event, my mother introduced me as "her anorexic daughter that she had no idea where she came from".  At Christmas time my mother used to tell me that my sisters got more gifts because they were heavy and my clothes cost too much because I was skinny.  My sisters once made signs that said "People Against Ethiopians" (meaning I was sickly skinny) - my mother encouraged them and laughed along side them.

When I got pregnant, I was bedridden and developed some things that caused me to gain a lot of weight. My mother and sisters laughed at me and called me names and made fun of my weight gain.  I lost the weight after I delivered, but I can still hear the jokes in my head.

After my last pregnancy, I developed a depression problem and was medicated and had a series of life changes that caused me to gain even more weight.

I think a part of me actually thought that somehow my mother would accept me "more" if I was heavy.  Nope, didn't happen.

I was always a blonde and my mother and sisters had dark dark hair.  I stuck out like a sore thumb.

My mother often said that she is convinced the hospital gave her the wrong baby.

Why do I say all of this?  Well, let me be clear.  I do not want pity.  But I have had these flooding thoughts as I have sat in prayer so that I could overcome these issues.  I never understood why I had such an unhealthy relationship with food.  I never understood why I was always clawing to get my mother's approval.  I never understood why I doubted that I could ever do anything outstanding.

Things that are said to us are carried around like baggage.  They remain with us forever unless we can leave them at the cross.

I am learning to do this.

It's time that I got my life in order and achieved what I was meant to.  I need to be all that God intended for me to be.

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me is the biggest lie ever told.

But, in Jesus Christ I am learning that...

I AM worthy
I AM free
I AM loved
I CAN