Well, today marks day #7 of my new job. I have overcome those voices in my head. Those voices that tortured me all last week. All the way from, "you can't do this, to leave, you don't belong here", and "you're being a horrible rotten mother and wife and you'll never be successful" to "you can do this, I put you here, it's going to be fine". On more than one occasion, I sat in my car at lunch time, eating my lunch, reading a book and crying. I didn't give up. I did my best to force that voice to leave my head (and my heart). Yesterday was a great day for me emotionally. Today, not such a great day. I was weighed down with an insane amount of guilt.
I began to wonder if these voices and fears and worries were the norm for any woman who goes back to work after years and years of devoting her everything to being a wife and mother. Am I alone in these crazy thoughts and worries? I want to believe that I am not alone. I want to believe that there are women out there who not only understand what I'm saying , but have walked in my shoes and survived. I want to believe that someone out there is benefitting from me sharing my difficulties.
It's definitely hard to fit in to an office where everyone operates like a fine oiled machine. It's tricky to get people to step outside of their comfort zone and come to me to ask questions and give assignments to. It's really difficult for me to be aggressive to these same people to get them to embrace me. But, I'm trying.
It's difficult to get my family to embrace and enjoy the changes that are happening right now. For every day of smooth sailing, we have a few of utter pain. Tough doesn't even seem to be a word that absolutely encompasses what's been going on here at home. My husband is especially edgy. At times, I would truly describe his behavior as mean. I'm doing my best to be understanding and to remind myself that all of us are going through a period of adjustment, but there are moments where I am not doing that very well.
I am feeling a little more confident in myself. A tiny bit every single day. Not major leaps and bounds, but baby steps.
Now, if I could just figure out when would be the best time for me to work out every single day I'd be all set!!
2 comments:
You are SO not alone. That's sad that your family is having such a hard time...they are old enough now that they should be applauding your achievements instead of trying to keep you "in your place" at home. Change is difficult, but you need to champion for yourself...they will catch on eventually. Having a job that you like and income for your family is an important part of being a wife/mom these days...I think it's awesome what you are doing.
I am so relating to alot you have written. I think men take us for granted alot and I too do not feel appreciated many days. Hang in there. I'm taking baby steps with my situation right now.
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