This Changes Everything...

So, in case I didn't mention it (I'm sure I did), I got a full-time job.

Now, to be honest, I have always worked.  

Ever since I was 15 years old I have had a job and earned a paycheck.

Over the past 17 years, I have worked a very flexible job.  

This week changed all that.

Boy have I been on a roller coaster ride this past week.  I have prayed for God to help us with money or work or something.  Times are tough.  I started applying for jobs really half-heartedly, but I did it none-the-less.  Somedays I would send out 15 resumes.  I had a few interviews, but one with a placement agency.  That was the one I didn't think would come through for me.  Honestly, it was terrifying to interview at all for a job.  But, I prayed.  I prayed that God would have his hand in this situation.  I overcame my fear by constantly reciting, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" over and over again.  I got a job.  A job that I started on Monday.  So many feelings have come through me.  Excitement, encouragement, fear, and guilt.  Lots and lots of guilt.  Boy have I prayed this past week.  I have prayed for guidance, for assurance, for peace, for a definite confirmation that I was doing the right thing.  These are the times when I wish God would leave me a post-it note on the bathroom mirror.

No such post it note was left.  Dang it!  But, I continued to pray.  On Sunday, while in church, I heard this tiny voice tell me, "You don't belong here..."  I sang on in praise and worship and gave my all to my Lord and got rid of that voice.  Day #1 was fine at the office, but I was exhausted at the end of the day. But I still heard that voice telling me, "You don't belong here".   Day #2 met me with much confusion and guilt and insecurity and pressure and the tiny voice continued to plague me, "You don't belong here".  My husband hasn't been dealing well with the changes, so he's been really laying on the confusion and guilt and it's been weighing me like a blanket.  Day #3 came and went and along with it were the waves of back and forth.  But, I did find out that my references and the company that I am working for are insanely pleased and positive over me.  The voice of the enemy had stopped saying, "You don't belong here" as I have taken that thought captive and it has been replaced with, "You are blessing your family, but in a different way.  I put you here, this is where you belong". 

Being me, I still had those bricks of doubt trying to place themselves around me.  I'm a gal that has huge insecurities.  It's not attractive or pretty.  I'm a girl who has a mountain of regrets.  It weighs on me every single day of my life.  I'm a girl who has become someone most comfortable at home, inside these walls where no one can see me or hurt me or laugh at me.  No judgements.  Stepping outside these walls of protection without medication, without looking young, beautiful, perfect.  Without anyone there by my side for me to hide behind.  Where I am more than the wife.  Where I am more than someone's mother.  Where I am the woman that I was before I as the mother or the wife.  All things considered, should have me in a panic attack of such gigantic proportions that I should be hospitalized or at the very least paralyzed in fear.  Especially when all of my friends kept telling me how proud they were of me.   I mean, I know that they meant well, but it put such an insane amount of pressure on me that I thought I would burst.  I lost it a few times.  I let all my insecurities and my crazy voices sneak their way back in and I questioned and doubted everything.  

To be continued...