Things I Had Forgotten...

I had forgotten that it was wonderful to make yourself look good every single day.

I had forgotten that it was an incredible feeling to smile and laugh out loud.

I had forgotten that it was wonderful to have intelligent conversations with grown-ups.

I had forgotten that it feels amazing to think, work, learn, and challenge yourself.

I had forgotten what it felt like to be proud of myself.

I had forgotten that it is wonderful to feel a sense of purpose.

I had forgotten all about ME, but I'm glad I'm getting to know ME all over again.

A thought for Tuesday...

‎"What lies in our power to do, lies in our power not to do."

Aristotle

Taking Time Just for Fun!

This is me (on the left) and my dear friend Esther (the blonde).

We went out just for fun and boy did we laugh a LOT!!

I'm loving discovering ME.

(and YUP, I have lost weight)

This Says It All...

"When I let go of what I am, 

I become what I might be."

Lao Tzu

Today I am better than I have been in a very long time.

This Changes Everything Part Two...

Well, today marks day #7 of my new job.  I have overcome those voices in my head.  Those voices that tortured me all last week.  All the way from, "you can't do this,  to leave, you don't belong here", and "you're being a horrible rotten mother and wife and you'll never be successful" to "you can do this, I put you here, it's going to be fine".  On more than one occasion, I sat in my car at lunch time, eating my lunch, reading a book and crying.  I didn't give up.  I did my best to force that voice to leave my head (and my heart).  Yesterday was a great day for me emotionally.  Today, not such a great day.  I was weighed down with an insane amount of guilt.

I began to wonder if these voices and fears and worries were the norm for any woman who goes back to work after years and years of devoting her everything to being a wife and mother.  Am I alone in these crazy thoughts and worries?  I want to believe that I am not alone.  I want to believe that there are women out there who not only understand what I'm saying , but have walked in my shoes and survived.  I want to believe that someone out there is benefitting from me sharing my difficulties.

It's definitely hard to fit in to an office where everyone operates like a fine oiled machine.  It's tricky to get people to step outside of their comfort zone and come to me to ask questions and give assignments to.  It's really difficult for me to be aggressive to these same people to get them to embrace me.  But, I'm trying.

It's difficult to get my family to embrace and enjoy the changes that are happening right now.  For every day of smooth sailing, we have a few of utter pain.  Tough doesn't even seem to be a word that absolutely encompasses what's been going on here at home.  My husband is especially edgy.  At times, I would truly describe his behavior as mean.  I'm doing my best to be understanding and to remind myself that all of us are going through a period of adjustment, but there are moments where I am not doing that very well.

I am feeling a little more confident in myself.  A tiny bit every single day.  Not major leaps and bounds, but baby steps.

Now, if I could just figure out when would be the best time for me to work out every single day I'd be all set!!

This Changes Everything...

So, in case I didn't mention it (I'm sure I did), I got a full-time job.

Now, to be honest, I have always worked.  

Ever since I was 15 years old I have had a job and earned a paycheck.

Over the past 17 years, I have worked a very flexible job.  

This week changed all that.

Boy have I been on a roller coaster ride this past week.  I have prayed for God to help us with money or work or something.  Times are tough.  I started applying for jobs really half-heartedly, but I did it none-the-less.  Somedays I would send out 15 resumes.  I had a few interviews, but one with a placement agency.  That was the one I didn't think would come through for me.  Honestly, it was terrifying to interview at all for a job.  But, I prayed.  I prayed that God would have his hand in this situation.  I overcame my fear by constantly reciting, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" over and over again.  I got a job.  A job that I started on Monday.  So many feelings have come through me.  Excitement, encouragement, fear, and guilt.  Lots and lots of guilt.  Boy have I prayed this past week.  I have prayed for guidance, for assurance, for peace, for a definite confirmation that I was doing the right thing.  These are the times when I wish God would leave me a post-it note on the bathroom mirror.

No such post it note was left.  Dang it!  But, I continued to pray.  On Sunday, while in church, I heard this tiny voice tell me, "You don't belong here..."  I sang on in praise and worship and gave my all to my Lord and got rid of that voice.  Day #1 was fine at the office, but I was exhausted at the end of the day. But I still heard that voice telling me, "You don't belong here".   Day #2 met me with much confusion and guilt and insecurity and pressure and the tiny voice continued to plague me, "You don't belong here".  My husband hasn't been dealing well with the changes, so he's been really laying on the confusion and guilt and it's been weighing me like a blanket.  Day #3 came and went and along with it were the waves of back and forth.  But, I did find out that my references and the company that I am working for are insanely pleased and positive over me.  The voice of the enemy had stopped saying, "You don't belong here" as I have taken that thought captive and it has been replaced with, "You are blessing your family, but in a different way.  I put you here, this is where you belong". 

Being me, I still had those bricks of doubt trying to place themselves around me.  I'm a gal that has huge insecurities.  It's not attractive or pretty.  I'm a girl who has a mountain of regrets.  It weighs on me every single day of my life.  I'm a girl who has become someone most comfortable at home, inside these walls where no one can see me or hurt me or laugh at me.  No judgements.  Stepping outside these walls of protection without medication, without looking young, beautiful, perfect.  Without anyone there by my side for me to hide behind.  Where I am more than the wife.  Where I am more than someone's mother.  Where I am the woman that I was before I as the mother or the wife.  All things considered, should have me in a panic attack of such gigantic proportions that I should be hospitalized or at the very least paralyzed in fear.  Especially when all of my friends kept telling me how proud they were of me.   I mean, I know that they meant well, but it put such an insane amount of pressure on me that I thought I would burst.  I lost it a few times.  I let all my insecurities and my crazy voices sneak their way back in and I questioned and doubted everything.  

To be continued...

Prom...

The date

The Best Friend

Friends since Kindergarten

Leaving...

A Funny Thing Happened on My Way Home...

I had yet another interview yesterday.  Nerve-wracking in every sense of the word.  I studied, prepared, and prayed.  And then I went in.  I smiled, I answered, I asked, I responded, I took notes.  I met a few people, got a tour and left.  

What I didn't do.  I didn't vomit.  Okay, let's be clear - I wanted to, I almost did, but I figured it wouldn't be such a good idea.  I didn't let them see me sweat.  I didn't trip while walking, though walking in heels is something I'm not quite as good at as I once was.

Then I left.

On my way home I got a phone call.  Asking me to come back today for a second interview.  Then I got another phone call from Nordstroms offering me a job that I interviewed for 2 weeks ago.  Then I got a third call saying, forget the second interview - can you start on Monday!?

So, what did I do!?  I accepted the office position.  I start Monday.  I cannot believe I'm going to be working a rigid schedule again.  And I'm still a mom, a wife, a housekeeper, and all those other hats I wear.

The lesson?  God answers prayer.

Adventures In Interviewing and Other Stuff No One Cares About...

So, I'm trying to find a new job.  To be honest, I'm smart, witty, experienced, and a hard-worker.  But, can I tell you that the job market isn't what it used to be.  In fact, when I actually sat down and thought about it, I realized that the last time I had to interview for a job that wasn't simply a formality was 1985.    When I put this into thought the other day it really threw me off-kilter and I panicked for just a moment.

Today was my third interview and yowza it was not at all what I expected and definitely not a place where I would ever consider actually working.  Let me start by saying that they initially handled themselves in quite a professional manner, but they lied.  They sent me an e-mail asking me to be certain to dress in business professional attire, they did not present themselves in business professional attire.  Have you ever walked into a place and every fiber of your being just told you to run?  Well, I didn't listen to my gut and I stayed.  I stayed in the lime green office with club music blaring loudly while the chipper, punky brewster looking receptionist/interviewing person greeted me in her hyper (bordering on spastic) persona.  The girl spoke so quickly I had to take a moment after processing what she said just so I could decipher it.  Words blended into sentences and sentences into paragraphs.  It was like watching a live infomercial presented by an auctioneer.  And no, although I wish I was, I am not exaggerating.

If this is what is out there for jobs or careers, then I am afraid.  Afraid not only for myself, but for the many other people out there searching for a job.

I am not giving up hope or the fight, but I am approaching it with a new and different attitude.  I'm going to be more selective.  More cautious.

So, fingers crossed that the interviewing process begins to go a little bit smoother and that I actually find a job that is a good fit for me.  Between now and then, I have to survive Prom and the 4th grade State Fair, plan and prepare and host the 4th grade picnic, go on a field trip, gear up for the summer and cheerleading and whatever else may be thrown my way between now and then.  I'm doing my best to not be anxious or full of worry and have faith that God is in control of everything and it will all work out, but can I just be honest and say that it is not easy.  I really want to know that everything will be okay and I would like to know the plan.  Doubtful that it will happen that way, but I'm putting it out there.